balls

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 22:32:15 GMT

the bad outweighs the good so much

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 09:58:49 GMT

your perspective on suffering will only expand once you suffer yourself. whether it be in moderation or all at once, the troubles of today will most likely be overshadowed by something more terrible tomorrow.

So, be free but keep yourself in reality. Because once you escape, you will know how today is only something until tomorrow.

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 20:09:02 GMT

how dare i let myself become vulnerable?

how dare i let my guard down? For anyone. Or any emotion.

i am of steel. i am of stone. i am immobile. i am unbreakable. for all but you.

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 18:01:34 GMT

made my mom feel bad for spending $500 on another set of new couches on Thanksgiving. she got upset.

but fuck that. don't get a new tile floor for the bathroom and new couches in November and bitch about how you have no money to save and how money is so tight. i understand we need to keep up the house because we have to sell it eventually, but give me a fucking break. pick a better season to spend money like that. not that i give a shit about what i get for Christmas, but if the excuse is always that you're broke, stop charging shit, like it's any different than paper money.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 04:37:46 GMT

i once wrote something along the lines of "if you keep holding on, we'll all have a chance"

it was about my dad.

there's something there that scares me.

if i were to simply say "if i keep holding on," alone, on it's own, my heart sinks deeply. for an unlimited amount of reasons.

the future scares me. but the past truly frightens me.

i fear that if i keep holding on, i will never have a chance.

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:26:03 GMT

oh my godddddd.

ive been sick for over a week now. i just want to get better so i can go back to work and school =[

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:58:24 GMT

yeah, i'm pretty excited, what can i say =D

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:01:26 GMT

Alone Is so familiar these days
to the point that when I am surrounded
I am still shrouded in misery.

But if I keep opening my mouth
Letting all my heartache enter our ears,
I shall grow weaker in my own mind.

Keep on throwing the whip down,
to add to the scars I alone must hold
It seems I'm alone here, alone forever.

___

And sometimes I wake alone,
With broken arms and no eyes to guide.

But what good are my eyes these days,
If I have nothing of joy to see?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 06:33:13 GMT

lately i haven't been one to just bitch about nonsensical bullshit that is never permanent, especially on LiveJournal. but i go to band practice today with my laptop and it dies which was no surprise considering i didnt plug in the charger. i get home and i try to turn it on and that shit just does NOT start.

so i do what i can. my only real option being to reboot the whole fucking thing, which sucks monkey dicks because all of my music and writings and PICTURES are on it and i have MASS AMOUNTS of school work due this week so i just fucking bug out and my mom gives me her credit card and i go buy this shitty ass notebook, not a laptop, a notebook, that doesnt even have a cd drive. and it's not like this is a backup until the other one gets fixed, this is probably my fucking replacement. which is such a big fucking downgrade. i have all these fucking hipsters with their macbooks, fucking shoving it in my face all the time, now i have to defend myself for having this goofy piece of shit. and i mean yeah, its cute and all, and im gratefull to have anything at all...

i think what's pissing me off the most is that i had to have my mom get it for me. i feel terrible. and i had to listen to my brother ridicule it saying its cheesy, which made my mom feel terrible because she couldnt afford anything else really.

if it works, it works. can i use photoshop? no. can i use Cubase to record songs?.....ugh, no. but can i go on the internet and use miscosoft word? yeah. i can.

and i guess that's all that matters. i just feel terrible. i had just started paying rent to my mom and now i have to ask her to buy me something.

i dont know. its just immense guilt and self loathing. to the point where i couldnt even start my papers. instead i just got in my bed and slept because i was honestly so depressed. some things never change.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:22:51 GMT

diddley Doo Doo (12:17:36 AM): before john ever made us breakfast, did you get the impression from what he talked about that his breakfasts were filled with bacon and sausage and orange juice and like a fruit salad
Prince Dynomite (12:17:46 AM): yeah
Prince Dynomite (12:18:06 AM): like
Prince Dynomite (12:18:28 AM): a long ass medieval style table
diddley Doo Doo (12:18:35 AM): haha yeah exactly
Prince Dynomite (12:18:36 AM): with goblets and torches everywhere
diddley Doo Doo (12:18:41 AM): but then he makes like two eggs and toast
Prince Dynomite (12:18:43 AM): all different types of meats and eggs and shit
Prince Dynomite (12:18:47 AM): a jester even, maybe

sometimes i amuse myself.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:43:25 GMT

today is such a bad day. such a bad day. between people being assholes, me fucking normal, easy things up, as i always do, and now finding out i wont graduate Middlesex until spring, i dont know what to do. i'm literally shocked.

i am so apathetic to everyone and everything now. i dont want to do this anymore.

i really dont see a point

at all.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 10:52:51 GMT

i have a list of questions i am just going to rattle off:

1) what kind of world do we live in where simply looking backwards in your tagged facebook pictures gets you so incredibly sad?
2) why am i up at 6:30?
3) why does middlesex county college suck so much dick?
4) really though, why does facebook do this?
5) why, and maybe it's not just me but, do i always live in the past?
6) even though there is no turning back, why do i still try to recreate was and never will be again?
7) why is the sun coming up?
8) why does everything i write rhyme these days?

a. (I love to hold those little hands
but you always seem to fade from view.
and then I realize who I am
when dream's disturbed at 4:02.)
b. (So I accept my own reality,
clenching fists in shame and fear
of feeling weak and young at heart
or of those words I'll never hear.)

9) why am i writing so much more than i have in so long?
10) why isn't it okay to just be a poet for the rest of my life and leave school?
11) why do i love Reese's peanut butter cups more than most earthly things?
12) why did it take me 2 years into college to go to my first college party????
13) no really, why did it take that long?
14) am i going to survive next week? (27 hours at H&M, 12 at Antonio's, 18 at Middlesex.)
15) hey MCC, will i graduate in january or will your transfer advisers end up sucking fuck and screwing me out of health insurance and escape from my house this spring?
16) why aren't i writing and recording mad songs with john?
17) why did this list start as a stream of consciousness and end up so long?
18) where can i find the exact shirt Jonah Hill wears in Superbad for my Halloween costume?
19) why are you so fucking BLAH?
20) why can't i grow hair in select spots of my face?
21) speaking of 21, why aren't i yet?

that's it i suppose.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 05:46:16 GMT

It's so fucking annoying going into my own basement and getting upset at all of my dads old stuff and just when I'm upset enough, I see a random poloroid of him in his electric wheel chair with some doctors handwritting on the bottom sitting ontop of some old VHS. It destroys me every time I see those kinds of pictures. Of him in some chair or laying down. With my nephews or my siblings. As if he was physically touching them. As if the people around him have always known him to be that way. Everyone, just pretending it's okay to take these pictures, smiling. But behind that smile they fucking hate how things are... Or were at least. Why couldn't he have died some other way? Why did he have to be like that for almost three years? Why is that okay? Why is he gone? Why can't I remember all of the times we spent together? Why, as I get older, do more and more memories of him fade? Why is this okay? Why is any of this okay? It's not. It's fucked. It's fucked as hell.

I dont know. Just please, don't fucking say sorry or comment this with frowny faces or whatever. I don't need the sympathy or the condolances. At least not here. You can text me whenever you want, if you wan to of courset. but if I have learned anything it's to not beg or go looking for sympathy or help. I don't deserve help OR sympathy. I just deserve to sit here and be miserable cause what fucking good have I ever done? Surely not as much as my dad has for people. Fuck this shit man.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:45:27 GMT

So I accept my own reality,
clenching fists in shame and fear
of feeling weak and young at heart
or of those words i'll never hear.

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 05:08:06 GMT

ah. i suppose everything repeats itself.

it's just a shame this time. you would think i would be stronger from experience. but the reality is that deep down inside i'm a vulnerable little gentlemen.

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 05:48:25 GMT

i guess third time really is a charm.

It's one thing to get wasted at Tea's and pass out at her kitchen table, wake up at 9:30 on her living room couch with my hands in my pants, having no idea where i was.

And it's one thing to get wasted at John's and black out, wake up in White Rose, black out and wake up at John's again, and then pass out and wake up on 8th avenue in Belmar in the back seat of Lemus' car while him and Tivey play soccer in short shorts in the middle of the street.

But i do believe it's another thing to get wasted at Tea's, pass out, and wake up in the back seat of SOME DUDE'S car with him, another dude, and that kid Robi who Tea's seeing, having them drive me home, when they are drunk as well. what the fuck.

i need to relax. cause this is a two month time frame. and just, goddamn hahah. this kind of made me realize just how dangerous drinking can be. idk why but this reminds me of when i got drunk at Jade's and puked in my sleep. hahahahahah

ahhh, at least i'm having a good time with myself.

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:20:33 GMT

ah man

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 03:08:44 GMT

Got accepted to Ramapo, but nervous to send a deposit for housing especially when Rutgers hasn't said anything yet.

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 21:07:53 GMT

remind me never to put faith in anything too deeply. everything i ever feel passionate about dies.

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 05:49:25 GMT

it wasn't today the 23rd, but it was yesterday the 22nd, three years ago that changed my life completely. curse that day.

(with a pleasant tune it all became so blurred, late on and autumn afternoon, sweat began to fall.

faith be acquired. pace yourself, to calm your nerves, and hold my hand to settle down. if you could reach, we'd all have a chance.

i've taken a break from life recently and my friends they miss me so. just to carry you back home in an ambulance lighting up the road. i wish these keys would leave my fingers and these numbers would leave this phone. that road you walk is closed.

it is impossible for death to knock at our door
it is impossible or so we thought.

retreat inside yourself.

so as time stops and we all become still things unfold with out control.

dont let time take you down.

i've taken a break from life recently and my friends they miss me so. in an ambulance lighting up the road. i wish these keyes would leave my fingers and these numbers would leave this phone. that road you walk is closed.

if you could reach
we'd all have a chance.)

it's only been three years. it feels like decades though. now that i think about it, it all kind of happened pretty fast, considering.

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:12:05 GMT

okay so, here we go:

The fact that I am attempting to enter this entry at 1:50 is a prime example of what i'm getting at. i NEED to go to bed earlier. it's not okay to go to sleep at 3-4 in the morning and get up for class at 7 and be at MCC for 8. Not only does it make me feel like crap all day long, if you look at my notes it looks like a 2 year old was just scribbling gibberish. this is my last semester at Middlesex and i can't let my sleep schedule fuck up my GPA and fuck up things where ever i end up in January. I have a 3.5 GPA and pretty good grades considering the blinding F on my transcript. I need to maintain that at least long enough to get to Rutgers or where ever.

Also, if i DO get into Rutgers, i have every intention of using their Masters program, which, from what i've heard, is quite prestigious and difficult. so i need to actually maintain good grades and everything from now until forever, basically.

I won't settle for having an ordinary teaching job, getting paid an low to average salary. Yes, teacher's usually don't get into it for the money, they do it for the kids. I understand that. but i have two set of kids i'm thinking about. the kids i want to teach and the kids i want to have and raise. maybe i'm getting a bid ahead of myself, but i want to have a nice house and a comfortable lifestyle for my children. for about the last three years it's been hard for me and my mom, and it's gotten harder, and it can honestly only get worse, realistically, for the next 3-5 years. and i really don't want that for my kids. so getting a Masters is my only option, and attempting a shot at Administrative work is also likely. I see a nice house, a loving wife, and at least 2 to 3 kids. and i want to love them and make them feel comfortable and give them the things they need while still teaching them good values and judgment.

but as far as present times go, I'm about to start working Tuesdays and Wednesdays at Antonio's again. Which leaves shit like thus:

Monday: Available for H&M open to 3.
Tuesday: Class 8-2, work 4:30 - 10:30.
Wednesday: Class 8-2, work 4:30 - 10:30.
Thursday: Class 8 - 12:30, available for H&M 2 - close.
Friday: Class 8 - 1, available for H&M 2 - close.
Saturday: Available H&M open - close.
Sunday: Available H&M open - close.

Plus finding time for band practice...oh yeah, i'm in a band called Signals Under Seas. Pretty good stuff. Fun people, good music. a little nervous though. because honestly, school and work come before being in a band, and if i have to eliminate one of them, it's the band.

Plus finding time to hang out with friends. which won't be too hard. clearly H&M won't schedule me for every day i'm available. and even if i close Fridays and Saturdays, i can still go do whatever afterward. and my mom can't give me shit for being out because i'll have 2 jobs plus school and her ass will HAVE to leave me alone.

And then there is the large array of other things on my plate, whether it be social, physical, or mental things that i am either frustrated about, apathetic/passive towards or losing my shit over.

Stressful times are in my midst, as far as i can tell. i have to remember not to worry though, because everything going on can be weeded out and disregarded at my own discretion. just need to get my shit together a little bit more.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:57:55 GMT

i'm getting myself so worked up. i'm actually furious with myself.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 08:02:33 GMT

ahh fuck! it's not fair! goddammit man. so fucking....guh.

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 07:23:32 GMT

It's so weird how you can pretend to be happy when you're really the opposite. Or how in public, you can be so awkward and cute and easily confused, but when you're alone you're a badass with so much to say and all the physical strength in the world. You look at yourself in the mirror every night and love the way your hair and the scruff on your face looks and think to yourself "yeah...i have demons and you can see them all over my face..." When you stare back at your own eyes and see the bags and feel the weight inside of them and feel like "tomorrow i'm going to show the world who i really am...i'm going to show them all that i can stand up for myself, that i can be a fucking man." And you wake up the next day and you just act like a child all over again, just for the acceptance and lack of conflict. Maybe one day it will escape and people will see it, but who cares, really? It's disgusting how much confidence exists alone at night, and once i am around others, it all disappears and i take my step back. it's most likely because i can be a giant dick when i get too confident and stop filtering. nevertheless, i'm tired of taking my step back. It's not me. I'm someone who holds things in and never lets go. i'm someone who would love to fight for something, but never has the nerve to do it at his full potential. who recognizes his faults and kills himself over them and understands that his past is tainted, as well as his name on occasion. who feels as though his demons will never leave him because he has not, and will not ever complete the necessary steps towards cleansing himself of all that he fears and hates about himself. Nobody knows me. nobody knows who i really am. it's quite sad to be honest, that i am the only one who has seen my true self. not sally. not chelsea. not john or tivey. just me. and maybe that is why i'm so sad. because even when i am surrounded by people, i am really just surrounded by no one. i'm just standing there alone. with no one to talk to but myself.

yep

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:27:03 GMT

my face hurts from clenching my jaw so much