1_Stops Today [26 Nov 2009|03:09pm] how dare i let myself become vulnerable? how dare i let my guard down? For anyone. Or any emotion. i am of steel. i am of stone. i am immobile. i am unbreakable. for all but you.

1_Stops Today [26 Nov 2009|01:01pm] made my mom feel bad for spending $500 on another set of new couches on Thanksgiving. she got upset. but fuck that. don't get a new tile floor for the bathroom and new couches in November and bitch about how you have no money to save and how money is so tight. i understand we need to keep up the house because we have to sell it eventually, but give me a fucking break. pick a better season to spend money like that. not that i give a shit about what i get for Christmas, but if the excuse is always that you're broke, stop charging shit, like it's any different than paper money.

Stops Today [09 Nov 2009|11:29pm] i once wrote something along the lines of "if you keep holding on, we'll all have a chance" it was about my dad. there's something there that scares me. if i were to simply say "if i keep holding on," alone, on it's own, my heart sinks deeply. for an unlimited amount of reasons. the future scares me. but the past truly frightens me. i fear that if i keep holding on, i will never have a chance.

1_Stops Today [07 Nov 2009|12:25pm] oh my godddddd. ive been sick for over a week now. i just want to get better so i can go back to work and school =[

1_Stops Today [24 Oct 2009|03:57pm] yeah, i'm pretty excited, what can i say =D

Stops Today [20 Oct 2009|02:56pm] Alone Is so familiar these days to the point that when I am surrounded I am still shrouded in misery.    But if I keep opening my mouth  Letting all my heartache enter our ears,  I shall grow weaker in my own mind.   Keep on throwing the whip down, to add to the scars I alone must hold  It seems I'm alone here, alone forever. ___ And sometimes I wake alone,  With broken arms and no eyes to guide.    But what good are my eyes these days, If I have nothing of joy to see?

Stops Today [19 Oct 2009|02:23am] lately i haven't been one to just bitch about nonsensical bullshit that is never permanent, especially on LiveJournal. but i go to band practice today with my laptop and it dies which was no surprise considering i didnt plug in the charger. i get home and i try to turn it on and that shit just does NOT start. so i do what i can. my only real option being to reboot the whole fucking thing, which sucks monkey dicks because all of my music and writings and PICTURES are on it and i have MASS AMOUNTS of school work due this week so i just fucking bug out and my mom gives me her credit card and i go buy this shitty ass notebook, not a laptop, a notebook, that doesnt even have a cd drive. and it's not like this is a backup until the other one gets fixed, this is probably my fucking replacement. which is such a big fucking downgrade. i have all these fucking hipsters with their macbooks, fucking shoving it in my face all the time, now i have to defend myself for having this goofy piece of shit. and i mean yeah, its cute and all, and im gratefull to have anything at all... i think what's pissing me off the most is that i had to have my mom get it for me. i feel terrible. and i had to listen to my brother ridicule it saying its cheesy, which made my mom feel terrible because she couldnt afford anything else really. if it works, it works. can i use photoshop? no. can i use Cubase to record songs?.....ugh, no. but can i go on the internet and use miscosoft word? yeah. i can. and i guess that's all that matters. i just feel terrible. i had just started paying rent to my mom and now i have to ask her to buy me something. i dont know. its just immense guilt and self loathing. to the point where i couldnt even start my papers. instead i just got in my bed and slept because i was honestly so depressed. some things never change.

Stops Today [14 Oct 2009|12:20am] diddley Doo Doo (12:17:36 AM): before john ever made us breakfast, did you get the impression from what he talked about that his breakfasts were filled with bacon and sausage and orange juice and like a fruit salad Prince Dynomite (12:17:46 AM): yeah Prince Dynomite (12:18:06 AM): like Prince Dynomite (12:18:28 AM): a long ass medieval style table diddley Doo Doo (12:18:35 AM): haha yeah exactly Prince Dynomite (12:18:36 AM): with goblets and torches everywhere diddley Doo Doo (12:18:41 AM): but then he makes like two eggs and toast Prince Dynomite (12:18:43 AM): all different types of meats and eggs and shit Prince Dynomite (12:18:47 AM): a jester even, maybe sometimes i amuse myself.

Stops Today [13 Oct 2009|03:40pm] today is such a bad day. such a bad day. between people  being assholes, me fucking normal, easy things up, as i always do, and now finding out i wont graduate Middlesex until spring, i dont know what to do. i'm literally shocked. i am so apathetic to everyone and everything now. i dont want to do this anymore. i really dont see a point at all.

4_Stops Today [11 Oct 2009|06:33am] i have a list of questions i am just going to rattle off: 1) what kind of world do we live in where simply looking backwards in your tagged facebook pictures gets you so incredibly sad? 2) why am i up at 6:30? 3) why does middlesex county college suck so much dick? 4) really though, why does facebook do this? 5) why, and maybe it's not just me but, do i always live in the past? 6) even though there is no turning back, why do i still try to recreate was and never will be again? 7) why is the sun coming up? 8) why does everything i write rhyme these days? a. (I love to hold those little hands but you always seem to fade from view. and then I realize who I am when dream's disturbed at 4:02.) b. (So I accept my own reality, clenching fists in shame and fear of feeling weak and young at heart or of those words I'll never hear.) 9) why am i writing so much more than i have in so long? 10) why isn't it okay to just be a poet for the rest of my life and leave school? 11) why do i love Reese's peanut butter cups more than most earthly things? 12) why did it take me 2 years into college to go to my first college party???? 13) no really, why did it take that long? 14) am i going to survive next week? (27 hours at H&M, 12 at Antonio's, 18 at Middlesex.) 15) hey MCC, will i graduate in january or will your transfer advisers end up sucking fuck and screwing me out of health insurance and escape from my house this spring? 16) why aren't i writing and recording mad songs with john? 17) why did this list start as a stream of consciousness and end up so long? 18) where can i find the exact shirt Jonah Hill wears in Superbad for my Halloween costume? 19) why are you so fucking BLAH? 20) why can't i grow hair in select spots of my face? 21) speaking of 21, why aren't i yet? that's it i suppose.

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