Stops Today [13 Jul 2009|11:31pm] [ music | Kanye ] Because the world around me has turned into some sort of television show, I've been, of course, looking to the past for answers and a lot has been made clear. it's actually odd because i always think that the world is changing around me and i have nothing at all to do with the consequences and such. But that's not true. I am a huge role in my environment. And my attitude and my body language and my words and whatever have not always been the best. And as much as there are factors beyond my control that have CAUSED me to be that way, it is still, undoubtedly my actions that cause these results. All of the bad things that have happened to me since my dad's stroke are a product of it. Not in a "I have bad luck" kind of way, but because of my actions. This all sounds very redundant. But I guess it takes the worst to bring out these things in me. To make me realize why things happen. All the bad things like gaining weight, throwing Jaime into a car, being a giant dick to people, the cheating, me and sally breaking up, Alex not liking me, my friends abandoning me, my confidence plummeting, the depression, the anger, the insecurity, the controversies, the whatever, is all because of something i have done. Things don't just happen for no reason. there has to be some action of mine that caused all of these things to happen. it's not just "People = Bad Things", it's "People + Me + misunderstanding = Bad Things" And for the record, when it does happen within the next week or so, i won't care or get mad if you say something. Just know that deep down inside I don't want the sympathy. I just want the pain. Balls

Stops Today [13 Jul 2009|01:48am] actually. i've just been angry lately. and all of this swirling around me made me realize so much about the past couple of years and why and how things went wrong

Stops Today [13 Jul 2009|01:23am] actually. just white tea. ugh

4_Stops Today [11 Jul 2009|12:53am] i hate the smell of chamomile, coconut flavored alcohol, or white tea.

1_Stops Today [05 Jul 2009|09:27pm] got offered to scream in a band. hmmmmm

Stops Today [28 Jun 2009|07:34am] after a completely ridiculous walk, 100% plastered, with Mike Tivey, from Erin Gaudet's to Walgreens, with a little bit of basketball and swings in between, i realized something. the one thing missing from my life is music. i need to at least TRY and make something happen.

Stops Today [08 Jun 2009|02:13am] [ music | Saosin: Sleepers ] i've been changing a lot lately. i mean, i'm scared i'm abandoning who I am. Cutting my hair, quiting Antonio's, changing the way i dress and the things i do. it's not like i'm doing it to fit a certain image. i'm attempting to be comfortable yet look responsible and act it as well. i'm 50% different looking this June compared to last. Guy pants, short hair, shorts. idk it's weird to talk about but it's just be thinking out loud i suppose. the 50% missing is obviously physical. i have a lot that i aspire for and i wish i had the will to put my thoughts into action, but i'm so flaky when it comes to myself. that needs to change and i'm thinking now is as good a place to start as any.

2_Stops Today [29 May 2009|02:09am] I got the job at H&M. ahem.....YEAH!

Stops Today [26 May 2009|12:53am] i got Slacker for my iPod, pretty sick, showing me some new music. So I'm seeing people acting retarded. Not that I am exempt from acting like an idiot sometime hah. i don't. I don't like seeing friends get hurt, but i really don't like when friends hurt friends. Hm. I wish i could fix everyone's problems. Inside and out. But I should probably fix my own before I even think about that hah. I gotta get out and do something soon. this whole week has been consumed with Antonio's and driving around delivering pizza. I gotta hang with friends and let loose. not for a couple hours but like a couple days. I see pictures from Wildwood and I wish i could get away like that, but i'm broke and i need the work. i also noticed my singing voice is getting way better. i wish there something to put it to though. my punctuation inconsistencies are so bad.

Stops Today I noticed that if you read this out loud and fast it's funnier. try a British accent too. [19 May 2009|11:32pm] I really hope I get this job. The pay IS more, but with taxes, less. But I am actually 100% okay with that. It's not the money I'm interested in. It's the relaxation from being bombarded by Italian fuck-heads all day for nothing more than the fact that I'm shorter and younger than they are, which is technically prejudice. And NO it's not a hierarchy and I'm just a whiny little girl who can't handle obeying authority, because I'm the third person to be trusted working on the register and I've clearly haven't been fired for my "attitude" in the last 3 years of being an employee there. yet the bulk of the shit thrown gets thrown at MY little puppy-dog eyed face. It's just bullshit. I don't fit in with the people who work there, I try so hard to be cool with them and I know that they know this. So it doesn't help having to go to a building where everyone is pretty much talking to you out of pity. Which is what I am there, a pity employee. I'm a good worker and I bust my ass, but I'm easily replaceable and afterall why would they have little old me stick around if they could get a brighter, older, manlier guy to work behind the counter. I feel like a charity case. To add to this, I FUCKING HATE SMELLING LIKE SHIT AFTER WORK. Between the 550 degree ovens, all the food I handle, the constant aroma of burning wood, and the smelly Russian and Spanish folk surrounding me, at the end of the night there is no option but to shower in order to get the inch thick layer of flower off of every inch of flesh. I'm getting entirely more obsessive compulsive these days and the whole HAVING to shower after work thing is cramping my style. It sounds like an annoying argument, but at Antonio's you have a few shift options: 10:30-4:30, 10:30-10:30, 4:30-10:30, and on weekends the night ends at 11:30. So if you're looking for leeway YOUR FUCKED. There are no other shifts allowed and by the time 11:30 rolls around on a Friday or Saturday, you're just tired and fucking dirty and you need to shower. And because everything, especially parties, ends at 1am in this bloody town, it's almost pointless to go home, shower, get ready, go out, see people for a couple hours, and then just go back home. I get paid under the table which to a lot of people sounds pretty sweet-WRONG. I have no chance of getting a credit card and I have no chance of building any credit for my young adulthood, which helps in things like buying cars, getting an apartment, getting loans, ect ect ect. With this dead end pizza job, I have no future. So logically the only thing to do is FUCKING QUIT. I'm done working with so much food and so many annoying, short tempered Italian guys. I'm sick of being treated as a child just because I am easy going when it comes to work. I'm not lazy, I'm just not always angry or freaking out. If I could show anyone the cluster fuck that is a Friday night rush at Antonio's you would all be on your knees praying to Ra, the ancient Egyptian god of the Sun, to have your eyes gouged out and your ears ripped off. It's literally HELL. The small, cramped space behind the counter barely allows people to move and when you're running back and forth from one end to the other and still getting yelled at not because you messed up but because the fucker behind the register is a 28 year old baby who doesn't have a license, who gets paranoid when customers stand there and look at him, and doesn't know how to handle high pressure situations like a normal civilized human being, it honestly makes you want to flip over the glass pizza counter, scream at the top of your lungs, and shove the most forceful and meaningful middle finger you could ever muster at the world. And then quit. Honestly, this new job would pay me less, but who fucking cares as long as I'm more relaxed, happier around people I work with, make a pay check that is actually recognized by the United Sated government, and don't have to be at a pizza place RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of where all of the people I know hang out(i.e. DOWNTOWN). AND if I could actually leave work and immediately be around my girlfriend or my friends with out having to fucking shower first, I would seriously be the happiest I've ever been in years. Even if after this second interview I don't get the job, I am going to do everything in my power to find a job ASAP that isn't Antonio's or anything like Antonio's. Oh, and Florida was nice =]

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]